Crushed Doesn’t Seem To Cover It

Tonight words fall clumsily from my lips, 

I can barely manage to lay still, 

My eyes swell up with hot tears, 

But I have no choice,

I need to keep them held back, 

My heart feels like an anchor, 

Slowly pulled to the crushing blackness of the ocean,

I cannot be the one to hope all the time,

I cannot be the dreamer while I stare at a hundred red flags, 

I can barely stand most days,

I feel like screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming,

Just so that someone will turn around and see my face,

And see the hurt that I’m carrying around, 

I need someone to notice where I’m at, 

I need someone to hold my hand and not say a word,

I don’t want to be the one crossing my fingers and wishing, 

I don’t want to dream anymore,

It just feels like I’m being mocked by the ghost of what could be,

I just can’t bring myself to get up off the floor, 

I’ve been a stepping stool for other for so long, 

This place feels like home, 

But I know I’m not a step to something better, 

I am, within myself, a goal to be met,

But the words crumble before I can manage to speak, 

I foresee the fall out of my feelings being verbalized, 

There’s no point in rocking the boat,

Especially so late at night, 

I can barely breathe, 

But I need someone to hear me when I scream,

How else will I know if this is real? 

By: Alyssa