Craving

i am craving a cigarette,
in this moment
i could close my eyes
and still feel the smoke lingering in my lungs,
but it has been 10 months, 2 days, and 4 hours
since my last drag,
not like i'm counting,

you might not understand
how i could know all the side effects,
and that I've seen the pictures of diseased lungs,
yet it doesn't slow down my thinking
that 10 minutes smoking,
would change me for the good,

i can rationalize myself deserving a cigarette,
with facts about my abstaining during pregnancy,
and dealing with my crippling panic attacks without meds,
and all the shit that i went through alone this last year,
and how i deserve a break from white knuckling it,

i can go outside with a smile and a cigarette
and then immediately feel guilty,
because i have a newborn to feed,
because i can get through the next episode on my own,
because i have gone so long without this crutch,
i should be strong enough to not want this,

but i am still craving a cigarette.
.

By: Alyssa