Gratitude

I haven't been able to write for weeks, 

I've stared at this page and wondered if I had finally run out of things to say, 

Of course, 

Just as those thoughts appeared, 

So did you, 

A set of kind eyes, 

And a gentle soul, 

A quick wit to match my own, 

Just like that, 

I like to think this is the universe balancing things out, 

Maybe even a bit of good luck, 

Or just a break in the storm, 

Whatever this is,

I'll be grateful.

By: Alyssa 

Automatic Thoughts- I Can See It Now

I can see it now, 

It doesn't matter how bad things get for me, 

You won't care until it affects you, 

I lose my hair, 

I go without eating, 

I stress, 

I cry, 

It doesn't mean anything to you, 

Not until I can't hide, 

When the truth bubbles up, 

And my emotions flood us both, 

When I don't want to be touched, 

And you don't get yours, 

That's when we have a problem, 

That's when we need to 'figure something out', 

Not when I can't sleep for days, 

Not when I muffle my sobs, 

Not when I fall apart, 

Not when I beg you to let me speak,

It's when you don't get touched, 

It's when you get called out, 

It's when you no longer have the benefits, 

It doesn't matter how bad things get for me, 

As long as it doesn't rain on your parade, 

You want so badly for me to accept that 'we're better', 

Even though I know we're still the same, 

I can't keep being cut off any time I try to speak, 

I can't keep feeling as though if I don't want to have sex you'll just leave, 

I can't keep being told 'we talk too much', 

Or that you are never heard, 

When all I do is listen to you, 

And constantly hear that my 'standards are too high', 

It doesn't matter how bad things get for me, 

We have kids that rely on me to be strong, 

I can see that things are getting worse, 

You tell me that's on me, 

It's my 'black and white thinking' will be the end of things, 

So I'll lose more sleep, 

I'll miss more meals, 

I'll try to put on a smile and 'speak to you like someone who actually cares', 

I can see now that until I am ground down into nothing at all, 

You'll take and take, 

Until I am but a hallow shape, 

Not a shred of myself left,

A ghost chained to this place,

I can see it now.

By: Alyssa 

The Worst Trope

"Will they won't they, 
Such an awful trope, 
No one really understands, 
Unless they've dangled on the end of that rope, 

Hoping that one day things will work out, 
That silver screen ending, 
The one where they find each other after all of the worst has taken place, 

Life isn't like that though, 
Two hearts don't always find their way back, 
Sometimes life is downright cruel, 
That's not pessimism- that's just a fact", 

I don't see it that way, 
But you certainly did, 
Ending things before they could begin, 

So now I sit broken hearted, 
As you let an apology you don't seem to mean fly, 
I'm left with no love to my name, 
And nothing to do but cry, 

I hope you really mean those things that you said, 
Even though my heart is in shambles, 
I never want you to regret, 

I'm hoping that as time goes on, 
This trope will die out, 
Because honestly-
All it does is hurt right now.

By: Alyssa 

A Reactive Transformation

Every time you speak,

My heart breaks a little more,

Hope slips further out of reach,

Your words only push and burn and break,

Yet you still insist love is what this is,

I wonder how long it will be before you see-

what this love has become for me,

Every time you open your mouth,

A little piece of my humanity is stripped away,

Stuck slowly transforming into a monster, 

Gnashing my teeth, 

Digging my nails into my hands,

Trying to keep my composure,

At what point do your promises to change lose their meaning?

Because every time you speak to me, 

My soul loses a little more of its light, 

And I'm left here, 

Wondering when the darkness will take me, 

And you'll see the monster that you've made. 

By: Alyssa 

To The Boy With The Dark Brown Eyes

To the boy I once knew, 

With dark brown eyes, 

And hair to match, 

A smile that sent a surge through my bones, 

Arms that held on tight, 

Never wanting to let go, 

But knowing they would have to, 

I wonder if you are doing okay, 

With all of that reality inside of your head, 

And all of those dreams in your heart, 

I wonder if you found a way, 

To reconcile the world around you, 

And the universe your body contains, 

When you cross my mind, 

I hope you are living the way you always talked about, 

I wonder if you are really better alone like you said, 

Those moments when I think of you,

I am reminded of the hours we spent doing nothing at all, 

Living in clouds of cigarette smoke,

I think of your dark brown eyes, 

How they had a way of seeing the truth, 

How they had a way of piercing through the darkness I carried around, 

I wonder if you still see my hazel eyes, 

When you think of our time together, 

If you still think of me the way I was back then, 

To the boy I once knew, 

With an incredible heart, 

Hidden with sarcasm and booze, 

Covered with scars from all of the past loves, 

I hope you are living your best life, 

And never apologizing for the truth in your dark brown eyes. 

By: Alyssa 

Not All Men

I remember the way your blue eyes made my walls crumble, 

Friends for years, 

One tense moment, 

Fueled with hope on my end, 

And lust on yours, 

You took advantage of an inexperienced girl, 

Coerced acts that I knew nothing of, 

Then tossed me aside, 

Whispering about what you got me to do, 

Shaming me for a pleasure you stole, 

Those eyes, 

Your smile, 

Make me sick now, 

I remember the way you expected me to be, 

We were passing strangers at best, 

Only ever exchanging pleasantries, 

I was never your type, 

You joked over and over again, 

Until you were bored, 

And lonely, 

And I was a drunk enough for you to move in on, 

You lied to get what you thought you wanted, 

An intimacy that I wasn't interested in, 

But what you perceived me to be, 

You acted on, 

With no remorse, 

I remember the way you smelled, 

When you snuck up on me where I thought I was safe, 

In my own home, 

The look on your face was twisted, 

Your only concern was the pleasure you thought you were owed, 

My cries muffled, 

My arms bruised, 

Never wanting to be touched again, 

The very scent of you making me physically ill, 

Wanting to hide away, 

Feeling unsafe, 

In every room from that moment on, 

I remember the way your hands felt on my skin, 

Uninvited, 

Unwanted, 

I told you to stop again and again and again, 

Violated just walking across town, 

You felt what you wanted, 

And tried to take much more than that, 

I ran as fast as I could, 

And haven't stopped running since, 

I can't be touched without shaking now, 

Caught up in the memory of someone I didn't know, 

Thinking my body was theirs, 

With no reason,

I will remember each of these situations, 

And the many more that I have experienced, 

As I raise my daughters, 

As I continue to live, 

The next time I hear someone say 'Not all men',

I'll recall the faces, 

The places, 

The scars, 

And the ones who laughed,

Instead of calling out their friend, 

So- yes, 

All men. 

By: Alyssa 

The Tragedy Isn't The End, It's Who You Were To Me

Today it hit me, 

The next time I hear from anyone about you, 

It could be when you are no longer here, 

I wondered how I would react, 

To news that the person that hurt me most, 

The person who tossed me aside,

Was not just a phone call, 

And a forced apology away, 

I sat in the stillness, 

Soaking in this possibility,

My mind flashing forward, 

To what I would hear people say of you, 

What I would say myself, 

Asking myself questions that I have put off for far too long, 

About the person who painted me in such an awful light, 

And never bothered to get to know the real me, 

A quiet song rang in my head, 

A reel played over and over, 

Singing these words in front of my family, 

A powerful ballad, 

Begging the question of why I should be sad?

For the loss of someone that I had lost long before then, 

Begging why I should mourn the monster of my story,

And instead- remembering how you really were, 

Today it hit me, 

The next time I hear from anyone about you,

It might not be to tell me about some condescending remark you made,

It might not be to complain in secret about your heavy hand, 

The next time I hear from anyone about you, 

It might not be to hear how you loved me the best you could, 

Today it hit me, 

Time doesn't stop ticking away, 

That doesn't change our reality, 

And I won't pretend that we had some relationship we didn't, 

Realizing that the tragedy isn't the end of this life, 

It is the reality, 

That you were not what you thought of yourself, 

In my life,

You were exactly what I experienced, 

A monster. 

By: Alyssa